Subjugation: sacrificing and denying our own needs
Are you sacrificing and denying your own needs to please others? Do you feel guilty for prioritizing your necessities and as if you have no control over your own life and choices?
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, subjugation means “the action of bringing someone or something under domination or control”.
In Cognitive Psychology the action of sacrificing and denying our own needs, wishes and beliefs in order to please others, their needs and wishes instead, is called subjugation. When we do this, we are essentially treating ourselves as less important than other people.
The good news is that subjugation can be prevented by learning how to deal with difficult situations that would otherwise lead to sacrificing your needs.
Traits
Typically, people who are subjugated, display some common traits. These are:
- Being eager to please others at the cost of their own needs
- Feeling that they are responsible for the well-being and happiness of others, resulting in taking care of others
- Feeling guilty for prioritizing themselves
- Being prone to seeking the approval of others
- Worrying that saying no or confronting a subjugator will result in rejection and anger
- Feeling guilty
- Being prone to anxiety
- Feeling that they do not have control over their own lives and choices or that others control them
- Being unable to take major decisions for themselves
- Being unable to express their own thoughts, opinions and needs
The reason for becoming subjugated may be because we feel obliged to help others (self-sacrifice) based on a belief or conviction that we hold, i.e. it’s my responsibility to take care of this, or that we somehow feel responsible for the well-being, happiness, needs and wishes of the ones who are close to us (parents, children, siblings, friends, partners, colleagues). This can even be extended to acquaintances and strangers that we perceive as less fortunate or more in need. In some cases, it can even be an inability to deal with the control, power and influence that people seem to hold over us (submissiveness). While everyone else seems to have control over their lives and choices, we do not and it’s in this out of control position that we are more easily influenced and subjugated.
With time, we can start to feel exhausted, suffocated, oppressed and burdened by this weight and responsibility. Eventually we start to lose the ability to claim our freedom because all the choices we make depends on what is needed by others first. Life can start to lose its sparkle and, as we start to deprive ourselves of our own needs, we also start to lose focus on what is the purpose of our life. As a sense of loss of fulfilment sets in, we might also start to resent others.
But brace yourself: this vicious circle can be stopped!
The many faces of Subjugation
A simple way to avoid being subjugated would be to simply say “no”, but why is it so difficult for people to say no when faced with these lifetrap subjugations?
Sometimes we simply cannot stand to see others in pain. Sometimes the problem is that people can begin to depend on us and, as they start to take advantage, we find it hard to put a stop to it. Sometimes we are just afraid of being judged as uncaring or heartless if we do nothing. Other times we fear that if we say no we will be faced with rejection, isolation and even revenge. Or, we might simply subjugate out of guilt because we feel we need the approval and liking of others.
Subjugation has many faces! So, let’s take a look at them.
- Guilt and self-sacrifice: some of the faces of subjugation
This occurs when we feel responsible for others. When, somehow, we feel obliged to take care of the needs and wishes of others and in so doing, we end up neglecting ourselves. As we give more than we get back, our lives become unbalanced, yet we feel compelled to carry on. Not doing so becomes unthinkable, mean and selfish. Even thinking about putting our needs first makes us feel guilty.
There might be instances and periods of time during which we try to break this vicious circle, unfortunately always reverting back to what we have become familiar with, guilt and self-sacrifice, as we feel judged by the reaction of others and saddened and responsible for the outcome without us there.
- Submission, frustration, resentment, anger and hurt: Subjugation’s other faces
Submission, frustration, resentment, anger and hurt can all be a series of emotions that we feel from having to continually place others ahead of ourselves, please them, care for them and renounce our needs in place of theirs.
We might find that we feel frustrated, that our needs do not count to others, that we are being exploited for our kindness and this can bring us a deep sense of hurt, unfulfillment and despair.
It is worth considering, that in many cases, it is perhaps us that created this position. Perhaps we ask too much of ourselves. Perhaps we have been too familiar with it for too long to realize that it’s gone too far for too long. The point being that in some cases, others do not realize the sacrifice we are undertaking. They might have not realized the way we feel and are likely to carry on without giving much thought to it unless they hear our voice. Our silence might well be misunderstood as approval and acceptance.
Subjugation in the workplace
It is normal, especially at work, to want to be liked and to please. It is therefore understandable how, at times, our wanting to please might go as far as working extra hours, taking on extra work and having very few demands.
The result, however, might take us a little further than we anticipated. Trying too hard to please others might mean we are not able to give constructive criticism. Working extra hours can lead to others taking advantage of us when perhaps we should learn to delegate, and not having a voice might turn into us losing opportunities or, worst, burnout.
Bottling it up, conjecturing what others might think and do, becoming frustrated and angry are all too familiar situations which play out when we subjugate at work.
The art of saying no when too much is too much, could save us a lot of headaches.
Are we unknowingly subjugating ourselves?
Take a moment to look at yourself and take time to reflect upon your answers.
- Are there any situations, both at work as well as at home, in which you sacrifice your needs in place of the needs of others?
- Are you familiar with yourself and your own needs?
- How much of your time is used to give to others and how much do you get in return?
- How much of your time do you give yourself for your own needs?
- Do you often feel like you are doing too much and not being credited for your hard work?
Changing the way we see, perceive and behave with someone or something can change the way we feel about them and even ourselves. When we use our assertiveness to confront someone who has held a lot of power and control over us, not only can we feel less intimidated but we also start feeling a lot more empowered. Similarly, if we are able to tweak our negative behaviour to a more positive one, we might find that people are more likely to want to listen and cooperate with us.
Take control and empower yourself!
The ability to empower ourselves resides with us and us only. It is important that we understand the limitations and damaging effects of sacrificing our needs for the needs of others and it is important that we realize we are not responsible for the continuous happiness of others.This is especially true when caring for depressed, alcohol or drug addicts and suicidal people. If their happiness relies only on us being there, it creates a far too precarious and unstable position. Similarly, it is important to understand that turning an emergency situation, for example looking after someone following an accident, into a long-term everyday way of living, is unsustainable. We also have a duty of care to ourselves. We also deserve a life worth exploring and living.
Typical subjugation lifetraps
Familiarizing yourself with typical subjugation lifetraps can help you identify and act on them more easily. Here some classic scenarios:
- You let other people have their own way most of the time.
- You are too eager to please – you will do almost anything to be liked or accepted.
- You do not like to disagree openly with other people’s opinions.
- You are more comfortable when other people are in a position of control.
- You will do almost anything to avoid confrontation or anger. You always accommodate.
- You do not know what you want or prefer in many situations.
- You are not clear about your career decisions.
- You always end up taking care of everyone else – almost no one listens to or takes care of you
- You cannot stand to say or do anything that hurts other people’s feelings.
- You often stay in situations where you feel trapped or where your needs are not met.
- You do not want other people to see you as selfish so you go to the other extreme.
- You often sacrifice yourself for the sake of other people.
- You often take on more than your share of responsibilities at home and/or at work.
- When other people are troubled or in pain, you try very hard to make them feel better, even at your own expense.
- You often feel angry at other people for telling you what to do.
- You often feel cheated – that you are giving more than you are getting back.
- You feel guilty when you ask for what you want.
- You do not stand up for your rights.
- You resist doing what other people want you to do in an indirect way. You procrastinate, make mistakes, and make excuses.
- You cannot get along with authority figures.
- You cannot ask for promotions or raises at work.
- You feel that you lack integrity – you accommodate too much.
- People tell you that you are not aggressive or ambitious enough.
- You play down your accomplishments.
- You have trouble being strong in negotiations.
Practising how to break free of Subjugation
Breaking free from being subjugated takes practise but here are some tips you can start munching on right away:
- Assert yourself. Learn to stop behaving passive-aggressively and begin to find your voice.
- Come to terms with your peculiarities and differences, learn from your mistakes and start forming your own opinions.
- Make a list of subjugation situations in your life in order of difficulty in handling it and develop a plan by starting with the easiest one.
- Practice saying no when too much is too much and learn to ask for help for a well-balanced life between what you give others and what you get in return.
- Learn to express yourself in a calm and controlled way and to discuss your problems and difficulties appropriately and constructively where needed and with whomever necessary.
- Practice expressing your feelings without becoming guilty when others are upset at your being unable to accommodate them.
- From time to time, allow yourself to re-evaluate your relationships with others and pull away from people that are not worth your time as too controlling, selfish, dependant or dismissive of your own needs.
- Stop telling yourself that favour/the extra help/those extra work hours don’t really matter. Be honest with yourself!
- Take credit for what you do and similarly acknowledge the merits of others. Do not take advantage of others and do not let others take advantage of you. In a sticky situation, ask for clarification and be prepared to negotiate and compromise to a certain extent.
Conclusion
In many cases the problem is simply and plainly us! We need to learn to say “no” as it’s the only way to prevent subjugation from happening and the only way to enable us to find our assertiveness and give voice to our own needs, wishes and life fulfilment. It is important to remember that we are also important. That we also deserve time for ourselves. That we are also entitled to our own happiness and to fulfil our own life.
Of course, sometimes life throws us difficult situations from which we cannot walk away. Situations that force us to be the grown up, act upon and care for others. However, we should always remember that while we can do this for the duration of an emergency or critical period of time, that we are also entitled to our own happiness and life fulfilment. Every case needs to be looked at individually, but…
understanding that we also have a responsibility to ourselves is a first important step to reassert ourselves as we look at different options to face a critical situation.
So, if you feel the Subjugated profile fits your bill, then it’s about time you take action. A better life is just around the corner!
